Scream!

Do you ever just want to scream at the top of your lungs in the dark? Just go out in a dark alley all by yourself and let her rip? I used to do that, when I was young and crazy. I’d walk home from choir practice on a Thursday night, get out from under the streetlights in the alley on the way home and just scream, a horror movie kind of scream, a King Kong kind of scream, a right from the bottom of my feet, all the way through the whole body type of scream till I ran out of breath. Usually one scream would do it, but sometimes there were two. They had to come out…had to. I worried about poor little Mrs. Toews, it probably scared her to death, this deathly scream behind her house every few weeks, but it had to come out.

I felt like that last night. Everything in me just wanted to scream. I’m laying in bed at 1am, completely exhausted but unable to sleep, just wishing I could scream. Of course I’m much too practical now to do it. I would have had to get out of bed (which was very warm), put on 12 or so layers of clothes to go outside (which was very cold), deal with a very happy, very bouncy, very chew on your gloves wondering what the heck I’m doing outside in the middle of the night type dog. I’d have to walk very far out from the house so as not to wake anyone and scare the bedclothes off of them. The snow would be crunchy, the ‘yoties would be howling, and did I mention it was cold?? I didn’t do it.

So, what of this scream that has to come out?? Where does it go? It’s stuffed down inside somewhere, stirring up trouble, causing anxiety, restlessness, discontent, general frustration. Where does it come from?? I have no idea. When I was young there was no rhyme or reason for it. It wasn’t fear, anger, frustration or any other negative emotion. It wasn’t joy, or excitement really. In some sense I think it was simply an expression of life, a declaration that “There is life here!!” It was some sort of pent up energy that really had no other point of release. Like the sudden need to run as fast as you can, or gallop a horse. There’s no reason for it…it just has to be done. I don’t understand it.

Weird thing is…I sang in a choir last night…