I've fallen into a trap. I've been putting all this pressure on myself that what I write in here should be interesting, well put together, funny, challenging, and enlightening... Also not too personal as far as relationships with family members. That's a big list of things. I can't measure up to all those things...especially the "interesting" part. Ergo....the blog silence...the incommunicado. It's not that I haven't been thinking, or even writing for that matter, but it's not coming together. There are truths i'm trying to grasp hold of for seemingly the hundredth time.

There's the tension between passion and apathy that apathy seems determined to win. Have you ever noticed how apathy just sucks the life right out of you...just drains you dry...till there's nothing left to give. Apathy seems to make "self" the centre. I don't care about anything or anyone because I have all I can do just meeting my own needs. Round and round and round we go, just feeding "self". Have you ever noticed that "self" is insatiable?? It's never happy...it always wants something more...more time, more money, more love, more appreciation, more attention, more pampering, more beauty, more sleep, more food....more, more, more...

Then there's the self condemnation, that says "why don't you care about anyone or anything??? why are you so selfish???" and then, quicker than I can think, says "well, it's not like you have anything to offer...what would you give anyone anyway??" and I go "yeah, I know, you're right....I've got nothing, I know nothing"

Then there's another voice that says "What about me???" I know this voice, it's the voice of Jesus, it's a very gentle voice, very affirming, very wonderful, "Don't you have me?? Haven't I always been here?? Am I 'nothing' ??? Didn't I say I'd be your life??? Didn't I say I'd love through you, speak through you, touch through you?? Have you forgotten about me?? Truth is, you have everything to offer a hurting and dying world. You have me." I love his voice. The other day he told me that I'd forgotten to let him live through me, that that's why i was so frustrated, why "self" and apathy were having their way with me, and I was like, "how could I forget this??? how could I forget you??' I don't know how a God so big, and so powerful can sit so quietly, waiting for my consent to act on my behalf, to intercede for me, so quietly that I forget he's there. But he does...he waits, and waits, and waits. Always the gentleman, never the bully, never the proud.. I love you, Jesus, thanks for waiting....