Don't you know??
Don’t you know I’ve always loved you?..and I always will…(Third Day lyrics)
So…whatif I kind of feel lost. Whatif…I feel …just….lonely. What if I’m surrounded by people I love, people that love me…(I know they do…), value me, are kind to me, help me, but still feel lonely. Whatif…all of that, all of these, all of this…doesn’t satisfy me. Whatif… I could be in a room full of 50 of my favorite people, laughing and talking, drinking coffee and eating chocolate…and still feel all alone?? Whatif…I feel sort of detached, disengaged, separated from my true self…
Whatif…at the same time…all I want is to be ALONE, like, completely alone…not just off in another room, but…like off in Karin’s cabin for a night or two, by myself? No phone, no TV, no people. Just writing this is setting off panic alarms. Whatif…the people I love are reading this…and now they’re asking questions. “What’s wrong with the whatif girl?” “Is the cheese sliding off?” “Are the relationships bad?” "Is everything not OK?" “Should we be scared??” I hear the feelings getting hurt. I see sadness entering the room. I hear apologies, for what doesn’t need apologies. I see concerned looks. I hear whispering behind closed doors. How do you put up a “Closed All Day” sign on your life…and not hurt anyone’s feelings? Or (worse?) feel like you’re the most selfish person in the entire world.? All of this makes me want to cry, but I think I’ve forgotten how to cry….
Whatif…all of this doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else? Whatif..it's "all about me"?? Is this the fruit of the “tyranny of self??” Part of me says yes, but most of me is starting to say no. What I’m starting to think is that this is “soul hunger”. This is my Savior, the lover of my soul, saying to my Spirit, “we’re never alone anymore…I really, really miss you…come away with me, my love…to a garden..., with soft green grass, warm breezes, hot sun, beautiful shade. Listen to the River of Life…, dip your feet in. Lay in my arms, feel the Breath of Life in your hair,…sleep if you want to…for as long as you’d like. No pressure…no deadlines…no talking…, just listening to Love without words…
Whatif...it's all about Him???
So…whatif I kind of feel lost. Whatif…I feel …just….lonely. What if I’m surrounded by people I love, people that love me…(I know they do…), value me, are kind to me, help me, but still feel lonely. Whatif…all of that, all of these, all of this…doesn’t satisfy me. Whatif… I could be in a room full of 50 of my favorite people, laughing and talking, drinking coffee and eating chocolate…and still feel all alone?? Whatif…I feel sort of detached, disengaged, separated from my true self…
Whatif…at the same time…all I want is to be ALONE, like, completely alone…not just off in another room, but…like off in Karin’s cabin for a night or two, by myself? No phone, no TV, no people. Just writing this is setting off panic alarms. Whatif…the people I love are reading this…and now they’re asking questions. “What’s wrong with the whatif girl?” “Is the cheese sliding off?” “Are the relationships bad?” "Is everything not OK?" “Should we be scared??” I hear the feelings getting hurt. I see sadness entering the room. I hear apologies, for what doesn’t need apologies. I see concerned looks. I hear whispering behind closed doors. How do you put up a “Closed All Day” sign on your life…and not hurt anyone’s feelings? Or (worse?) feel like you’re the most selfish person in the entire world.? All of this makes me want to cry, but I think I’ve forgotten how to cry….
Whatif…all of this doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else? Whatif..it's "all about me"?? Is this the fruit of the “tyranny of self??” Part of me says yes, but most of me is starting to say no. What I’m starting to think is that this is “soul hunger”. This is my Savior, the lover of my soul, saying to my Spirit, “we’re never alone anymore…I really, really miss you…come away with me, my love…to a garden..., with soft green grass, warm breezes, hot sun, beautiful shade. Listen to the River of Life…, dip your feet in. Lay in my arms, feel the Breath of Life in your hair,…sleep if you want to…for as long as you’d like. No pressure…no deadlines…no talking…, just listening to Love without words…
Whatif...it's all about Him???
posted by toomanywhatifs at
8:32 PM
3 Comments:
I don't have to say anything else other than...I know exactly what you are talking about. You certainly won't hurt my feelings.
By
Paula, at 10:12 AM
ditto what paula said. no hurt feelings at all, since i also love solitude on a frighteningly regular basis.
i don't think you're wrong in wondering if it's all about him. if there's no one else around yakking your ear off, no phone ringing, no deadlines to meet and no tv blaring around you ... don't you automatically have more time think about him, if that's how you choose to use the quiet? maybe he is giving us that need for quiet so we can hear that still small voice more clearly. i love that.
i'm just thinking out loud though!
By
Annacond, at 10:26 AM
You can love your family but still need to get away from them.
You can love your friends but still need to take a break from them.
You can love your whole community but still need to get away from it.
I know I do. And it's okay.
And sometimes you just feel sad, and that's okay too.
By
Anonymous, at 10:52 AM
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