an inappropriate response
I’ve been in a bit of a weird place lately. It seems I go through seasons. I’ve said that I have this ‘huge’ hunger to learn, but that is only true some of the time. I also go through seasons of apathy, seasons of frustration, even anger. I REALLY hate conflict. I’m learning that, when I get angry about something, I don’t like that feeling, so I channel it into apathy. I think it’s a form of passive aggression? Apathy, however, is boring, and that produces frustration. I’ve found, of late, that I’ve been a bit angry at God. (Arrogant, I know…. being that God is perfect, my anger is pretty much always misguided and unwarranted.) Anger seems like too strong a term, but there doesn’t seem to be a better one, and maybe it seems too strong because I am so adept at channelling it into apathy, which seems less aggressive, safer, more ‘proper.’ How’s that for self-psycho-analysis?
The question is, what have I been angry ABOUT?? That’s the hard part. I can’t really figure that out. It’s complex, a combination of toomanythings. All of the answers seem stupid, but here’s my best shot.
I’m angry about being such a slow learner, which I can cleverly blame on Him, after all, He created me, didn’t He? He’s the teacher, I’m the pupil, why am I not learning?? Is it semester break, or what?? And then I pretend I don’t care, which, in itself, is ridiculous… It is only Christ in me that cares at all about anything unselfish in the first place… of myself, I am purely and only selfish…so to ‘pretend’ I don’t care is just me stamping my foot and saying ‘I’m gonna live in the flesh for a while, what’re you gonna do about it??’
This anger is fairly easy to reconcile compared to the next one. It is equally arrogant and misguided. It has to do with my beliefs about healing. The problem with my beliefs is that I really believe them! (That’s clever isn’t it!?) I really believe that the healing of ‘all our diseases’ was bought and paid for by the blood, more specifically, the ‘stripes’ of Jesus Christ. I believe that it is ALWAYS God’s will to heal. I believe that this conclusion is STRONGLY supported in the Bible, and the only argument against it is experiential, not Biblical. I believe that He loves us more than I loves us. I believe that He wants to redeem mankind more than I want to. Why, then….doesn’t he DO it??? Why doesn’t He heal us when we ask Him to?? My ‘anger’ comes from my perception that God is not holding up His end of the bargain. He is not doing what he said he would do! (There won’t be a lightning strike… He knows I’ve been feeling this. He’s known it for longer than I have…)
I feel overwhelmed, at times, by the magnitude of sickness and disease in this world. There is hardly a life untouched by it, well, there isn’t a life untouched by it! I am overwhelmed by the far reaching effects of it, how many people suffer from one persons illness, and for how long, and the lengths to which we will go to be relieved of it. Some days it truly breaks my heart. These, I believe, are the days that Christ rules in my heart. This, I believe, is the heart of Christ, the love, the compassion of Christ.
I haven’t been reading my Bible very much lately, but I did the other day. This is what I read.
Matthew 9:35- 38 " Jesus went through all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom and healing every…" (did you get that?? EVERY…) "…disease and sickness. When he saw the crowds, he had COMPASSION on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field."
I think he was overwhelmed… This is what struck me when I read this. I was surparised by it. It doesn’t fit inside ‘the box.’ I think he was overwhelmed! Please remember that when Jesus came to this earth, he set aside his divinity and became fully human. He could not, at that time, be in all places at once, as he had been before he came to earth. And he saw the magnitude of our helplessness. He experienced it. He knew personally, people who were grieving, who were suffering. Crowds waited outside his door, huge numbers of people. And he knew that in every town along the way the story would be the same. He wept sometimes…maybe lots of times. I think he was overwhelmed. His solution?? Send out workers!
Matthew 10:1, the very next verse…" He called his twelve disciples to him and gave them authority to drive out evil spirits and to heal every…" (again… EVERY) "…disease and sickness." Verse 6: "Go to the lost sheep of Isreal. As you go, preach this message: "The kingdom of heaven is near." Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received, freely give." Verse 25…"It is enough for the student to be like his teacher, and the servant like his master."
When Christ rules in my heart, I am compassionate, I long for healing, I weep with those who weep, I am overwhelmed, but this is not the easy road. This is the road of self-sacrifice. Apathy is easier…it is the path of least resistance, …it is selfish, self centred, …it lays blame, … and it’s …. BORING, and FRUSTRATING, strangely LONELY.
Oh, to be like Thee…
The question is, what have I been angry ABOUT?? That’s the hard part. I can’t really figure that out. It’s complex, a combination of toomanythings. All of the answers seem stupid, but here’s my best shot.
I’m angry about being such a slow learner, which I can cleverly blame on Him, after all, He created me, didn’t He? He’s the teacher, I’m the pupil, why am I not learning?? Is it semester break, or what?? And then I pretend I don’t care, which, in itself, is ridiculous… It is only Christ in me that cares at all about anything unselfish in the first place… of myself, I am purely and only selfish…so to ‘pretend’ I don’t care is just me stamping my foot and saying ‘I’m gonna live in the flesh for a while, what’re you gonna do about it??’
This anger is fairly easy to reconcile compared to the next one. It is equally arrogant and misguided. It has to do with my beliefs about healing. The problem with my beliefs is that I really believe them! (That’s clever isn’t it!?) I really believe that the healing of ‘all our diseases’ was bought and paid for by the blood, more specifically, the ‘stripes’ of Jesus Christ. I believe that it is ALWAYS God’s will to heal. I believe that this conclusion is STRONGLY supported in the Bible, and the only argument against it is experiential, not Biblical. I believe that He loves us more than I loves us. I believe that He wants to redeem mankind more than I want to. Why, then….doesn’t he DO it??? Why doesn’t He heal us when we ask Him to?? My ‘anger’ comes from my perception that God is not holding up His end of the bargain. He is not doing what he said he would do! (There won’t be a lightning strike… He knows I’ve been feeling this. He’s known it for longer than I have…)
I feel overwhelmed, at times, by the magnitude of sickness and disease in this world. There is hardly a life untouched by it, well, there isn’t a life untouched by it! I am overwhelmed by the far reaching effects of it, how many people suffer from one persons illness, and for how long, and the lengths to which we will go to be relieved of it. Some days it truly breaks my heart. These, I believe, are the days that Christ rules in my heart. This, I believe, is the heart of Christ, the love, the compassion of Christ.
I haven’t been reading my Bible very much lately, but I did the other day. This is what I read.
Matthew 9:35- 38 " Jesus went through all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom and healing every…" (did you get that?? EVERY…) "…disease and sickness. When he saw the crowds, he had COMPASSION on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field."
I think he was overwhelmed… This is what struck me when I read this. I was surparised by it. It doesn’t fit inside ‘the box.’ I think he was overwhelmed! Please remember that when Jesus came to this earth, he set aside his divinity and became fully human. He could not, at that time, be in all places at once, as he had been before he came to earth. And he saw the magnitude of our helplessness. He experienced it. He knew personally, people who were grieving, who were suffering. Crowds waited outside his door, huge numbers of people. And he knew that in every town along the way the story would be the same. He wept sometimes…maybe lots of times. I think he was overwhelmed. His solution?? Send out workers!
Matthew 10:1, the very next verse…" He called his twelve disciples to him and gave them authority to drive out evil spirits and to heal every…" (again… EVERY) "…disease and sickness." Verse 6: "Go to the lost sheep of Isreal. As you go, preach this message: "The kingdom of heaven is near." Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received, freely give." Verse 25…"It is enough for the student to be like his teacher, and the servant like his master."
When Christ rules in my heart, I am compassionate, I long for healing, I weep with those who weep, I am overwhelmed, but this is not the easy road. This is the road of self-sacrifice. Apathy is easier…it is the path of least resistance, …it is selfish, self centred, …it lays blame, … and it’s …. BORING, and FRUSTRATING, strangely LONELY.
Oh, to be like Thee…
posted by toomanywhatifs at
7:42 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home